There’s a point with every project, be it personal or professional, public or private, where you realise “this is a thing”. Not just a casual thing, not a thing by default, but this is a THING thing. If you had to write down a list of 5 things that described you, this would be one of those things. This was the time period that I realised this was a thing for me.

There’s nothing ground breaking here photographically… I’ve never had that sort of moment and likely never will. I know I’m just someone who is perhaps better than average at taking a picture, and was lucky enough to be able to go to university and receive training in spotting trends in my work, reflecting on them, and finding ways forward. Anybody else who’d had that training and can use a camera even basically can do what I do, and do it better.

The groundbreaking thing for me was to have a project, that I’d started myself and decided on myself. Documenting the art world, it was a choice, but it also was kind of expected in many ways. Make work about what you know, they say. I knew fuck all about football really. I’d been in to it as a kid, I was a Manchester United fan… as I was born in Manchester. I picked them because I preferred the colour red to the colour blue, it was that simple. However, I got bullied once we moved to London, for being a Man U fan, so I stopped following them, and developed a sort of ‘hate’ for football… which wasn’t really about the sport, it was about the childhood bullies I had. I only realise that now, 35 or so years later.

Whilst I’m sad I lost many years of enjoying the sport, I’m glad I was an outsider to it. It let me look at the homophobia, sexism, and racism present in the culture and see them instead of ignore them. I got to see the tribalism from the outside, and the insecurities and pain of people magnified by alcohol. I saw the ugliness of it all. I saw a culture I wanted nothing to do with for so many years. That view coloured my opinion of football on the surface for years, but through doing this project I learned that not all football fans are idiots, not all football players are stupid, and that the shouting and cheering on the terraces isn’t mindless (all three of these things have been said to me by good friends… recently!). It’s just a thing I didn’t get.

But it’s a thing I understand now, and was only starting to understand at this point. I feel better that I saw the ugly first, and then found the beauty as it feels like a more positive journey. Finding all the negative about a thing you’ve loved for years can result in a very cynical and jaded view of things. I’m glad it went in the direction it did.

These photos don’t show that. Not to you, only to me. This is me starting to understand the importance of this sport to the community. This is me understanding the stadium is a church of sorts, and the floodlights are it’s steeples, calling us to a form of prayer. This is me letting go of the bullshit I was fed by people who hate the sport for reasons I doubt even they know. This is me letting go of my own ideas and starting to actually look and feel. This is me realising I’ve always loved the sport, but never felt I belonged anywhere enough to support a team. This is me realising those negatives aren’t the majority of people in this world. This is me able to see the painful negatives associated with this culture, and yet still finding myself drawn in because somewhere at it’s heart there is a warmth and a community I feel a connection with. This was a project. This was something I’d chosen, not decided for me. This was self-discovery.